Tuba jokes
|Q: What is the range of a tuba?A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.Q: What’s a tuba for?A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who’s driving?A: The policemanTuba Player:...
View ArticleMay I speak to the conductor
|A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.She asks why he keeps...
View ArticleWhere are we?
|Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, ‘Where are we?’Rachmaninov said, ‘Carnegie Hall,...
View ArticleSaxophone jokes
|Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?A: It’s all in the grip.Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s...
View ArticleOboe jokes
|Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?A: Shoot four of them.Q: What are burning oboes used for?A: To set bassoons on fire.Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?A: Because...
View ArticleBassoon jokes
|Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?A: To get away from the bassoon recital.Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a...
View ArticleMake me a better musician
|There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn’t that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp....
View ArticleTrombone jokes
|Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?A: Take your hand out of the...
View ArticleThe amazing conductor
|When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during...
View ArticleBass jokes
|Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Only one – but the...
View ArticleFlute jokes
|Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?A: Two flutes playing a unison.Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Q: Why do loud, obnoxious...
View ArticleGeorge Bernard Shaw
|While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he’d like them to play next. ‘Dominoes,’ he replied. The post George Bernard Shaw appeared first on...
View ArticleFight between the musicians
|At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.The oboe player says, ‘He broke my...
View ArticleFrench horn jokes
|Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?A: A goal post that can’t march.Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just one, but he’ll spend...
View ArticleMusician jokes
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, ‘I can do that!’ Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the...
View ArticleTrumpet jokes
|Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, ‘I could do that better.Q: What do lead trumpet players use for...
View ArticlePiccolo joke
|Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?A: Shoot one. The post Piccolo joke appeared first on Practical Jokes.
View ArticleBach in a Minuet
|A note left for a pianist from his wifeGone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet The post Bach in a Minuet appeared first on Practical Jokes.
View ArticleHarmonica jokes
Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing. The post Harmonica jokes...
View ArticleWhich drummer?
There’s a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer...
View ArticleViola jokes
|Q: What is a chord?A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You...
View ArticlePhone songs
|All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.Mary Had A Little Lamb3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321...
View ArticleDrum joke Q & A
|Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?A: So they don’t disgrace themselves at the parade.Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?A: The knocking gets...
View ArticleThis must be heaven
|So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, ‘You’re going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There’s a bass player named ‘Mingus’ and a pianist...
View ArticleGlossary of music terms
|Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. ‘Y’all sang that real good!’Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere.Agitato: A string player’s state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a...
View ArticleClarinet jokes
|Q: What’s the definition of a nerd?A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?A: So they can park in the handicap zones.Q: What do you...
View ArticleThe insane conductor
|A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, ‘While you were out, the...
View ArticleHow to buy a stero
|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in...
View ArticleAny last requests?
|A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the...
View ArticleGuitar jokes
Q: How do you make him stop playing? A: Put notes on it! Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A: Pick on someone your own size! Q: What’s the definition of a minor second? A: Two lead...
View ArticleViolin jokes
|Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Sit in the back and don’t play.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A:...
View ArticleTop Ten Signs The Concert You’re Attending is Not The Real Woodstock
|From ‘Late Show with David Letterman’ on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It’s hosted by Ed McMahon.9. ‘Amplifiers’ are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen...
View ArticleThe autograph book
|Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.’There’s not much room on this page,’ he said. ‘What shall I write?’Another...
View ArticleMusical jokes
|Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what...
View ArticleAccordion jokes
|An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.Q: What is the definition of an optimist?A: An accordion player with a pager.Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?A: The Uzi stops after 20...
View ArticleOrgan jokes
|Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?A: They are always longing for another stop.Q: Why are a organist’s fingers like lightning?A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.Q:...
View ArticleHere is your punishment
|’Haven’t I seen your face before?’ a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.’You have, Your Honor,’ the man answered hopefully. ‘I gave your son violin lessons last winter.”Ah, yes,’ recalled...
View ArticleEfficiency
|From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert’s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the...
View ArticleArriving in Heaven
|Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you...
View ArticlePlaying music
|Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven’s 9th symphony.However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her...
View ArticleThat was no piccolo
|Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, ‘Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?’ The other replies, ‘That was no piccolo, that was my fife.’ The post That was no...
View ArticleOperas that never made it
|Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.Mozart: The Magic Tuba.Puccini: La Bamba.Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.Verdi: Rigatoni. The post Operas that never made it appeared first on Practical Jokes.
View ArticleHarp jokes
|A harp is a nude piano.A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get...
View ArticleVocal jokes
|Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive...
View ArticleWhat’s that sound?
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was...
View ArticleLooking to buy
|A man walks into a shop. ‘You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?”You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”Yeah. How’d you...
View ArticleOrchestra jokes
|Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?A: Stick them up...
View ArticleCello jokes
|Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?A: So you don’t have to retrain the...
View ArticleA Choristers’ Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
|The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The...
View ArticleArriving at Heaven
|A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, ‘Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?’The soprano answers, ‘Three.”Three times, fellows!’ says Pete, and...
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